Diary of Hate
by Phoenix from the Sun
Summary: "I never meant to hurt you. I couldn't stop myself. I got too drunk off of my power, my hatred. But I can't take back what I've done, nothing could justify it anyway. I want you to have the life you deserve, and I cannot give it to you." Dark Seblaine.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is some language, dark themes, and underage drinking. They are most likely also out of character (I always say this just in case, especially ). This takes place around the time of _Michael _(Episode 3x11) and everyone on Tumblr saw this coming (been obsessing for days). Also there are most likely errors (maybe less than usual seing as I did read through it before posting it, and it is so short, that I doubt there could be that many errors.)

Will be more "M" as story progresses

**Summary: **"I never meant to hurt you. I couldn't stop myself. I got too drunk off of my power, my hatred. But I can't take back what I've done, nothing could justify it anyway. I want you to have the life you deserve, and I cannot give it to you."

Summary inspired by _True Blood._

Named after the song "Diary of Hate." Named after a track on the "The End of the Affair Soundtrack"

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><p>In a single instant, everything was taken from him. His power, his sanity, his position, his heart, everything was ripped from him because of one mistake. Even thinking back on what he had done, on all of the pain he had caused in a single second, a single arm movement, it made him sick. Nights were long, sleepless. He lost track of days, as was normal when you couldn't rest. His mind wouldn't stop scolding him for what he had done, the scene playing over and over again. He couldn't get the sound out of his head: the screams, the cries, the pain. What the hell was he thinking?<p>

Sitting on his bed, a single glass of red wine in his hand, he stared blankly out the window into the night sky. He didn't know what time it was (he had lost track of every passing minute days ago). He didn't know how long he had been standing there wishing that this was part of a horrible, psychotic nightmare. Closing his eyes tightly before opening them again, he realized this was real. He had become a monster, unable to show any emotion outside of the four walls of his bedroom. Even so, there were no tears. Monsters didn't cry. He did tear up a few nights, but there was no sobbing, no crying, just streams of water rolling down his cheeks. All he could do was mull over the thoughts in his head, hoping that he was somehow going to wake up and be someone else. Hoping that somehow he was going to open his eyes and everything was going to be sane again.

He took a long sip of wine, holding his phone tightly as he perused through several composed texts that he was never going to send. Every text was an apology, some of them even begging Blaine to forgive him for being such an asshole. He hadn't sent a single one. He _couldn't_ send them. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't. Part of him knew that Blaine would never forgive him; he would never be able to look at him again. The second Blaine hit the ground, Sebastian was dead to him. Kurt had won. Sebastian had lost. End of story.

"Damn it…" he sighed as he typed another message into his phone:

"_I'm so sorry… for everything… I'm sorry for the pain, for the embarrassment, for the fear. I'm so sorry that I did this to you…_"

He shook his head, saving the message, not sending it. "No…"

What was it going to change? What was apologizing going to do? The New Directions had no doubt started poisoning Blaine, embellishing the already horrific tale, making it deplorable, unforgivable. There was no way that he was going to make this any better, no way that he was ever going to make things back to the way they were. Blaine trusted him. He _trusted _him. After the whole world had colored Sebastian as heartless, as a monster, as evil— Blaine was there with his innocence and open mind, able to see past that, to see his pain. He took the one person who saw some form of good in him and he tossed it in the trash, tore him to shreds, making it all fall apart. Chugging the rest of his glass of wine, Sebastian fell onto the bed, facing the ceiling, feeling more water in his eyes.

_Maybe if you just lay here for the rest of your life and die, everything would be better,_ he reached for the bottle of wine next to his bed, bringing it to his lips. _No, you'd miss yourself too much. You always have to screw everything up, don't you, you asshole?_

As he got lost in red wine, swallowing it quickly, he heard his phone vibrate with a text. It was most likely one of the Warblers texting to tell him that they were keeping an eye on him, not able to trust anything that he did anymore. It was the same thing ever since they found out the truth, that he went too far with that slushie. He pulled the bottle from his lips, licking the wine off of his lips, reaching for the phone, almost regurgitating the alcohol as he saw a single name: Blaine. Opening the text, he feared the worst, feared that he was going to be chewed out, expecting to see the words "you're dead to me." Instead, he saw words that he never expected to see.

"_I've been hearing a lot of stuff about you lately… is it true? I want to see you. I want to talk about this, Sebastian. I feel you're the only person who is going to give me an accurate portrayal of this story. Call me. Text me. Come to my house. I have surgery soon. I'd really, REALLY like to talk to you before it._"

Sebastian swallowed hard as he went through his text messages that he never intended to send, sending a single one, the simplest, yet most powerful one:

"_I'm so sorry, Blaine…_"

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><p>This is the first chapter of my very dark Seblaine story that I have been working on. This is a short chapter, but it's more of an introduction. The chapters will get progressively longer and longer as time goes by. It's practically the antithesis of "A Drop in the Ocean" (maybe some similarities.)<p>

The next chapter, Sebastian goes to see Blaine.

Feel free to visit me on Tumblr, on this account I will tell when I'm posting new chapters, stories, and other progress (if you're curious). The address is on my profile, feel free to visit if you have any curiosity as to my posting schedule.

Feel free to leave feedback and look out for the next chapter soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Glee_ or any of its characters, Ryan Murphy and Fox do.

**Warnings:** In this chapter there is some language and dark themes. They are most likely also out of character (saying this to be safe). Also there are most likely errors (maybe less than usual seing as I did read through it before posting it, and it is so short, that I doubt there could be _that_ many errors.)

Will be more "M" as story progresses, the next few chapters may be a little more on the "T" side, but later chapters will make this "M"

**Summary: **"I never meant to hurt you. I couldn't stop myself. I got too drunk off of my power, my hatred. But I can't take back what I've done, nothing could justify it anyway. I want you to have the life you deserve, and I cannot give it to you."

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><p>Sebastian didn't know what possessed him to finally show up. It wasn't going to change anything. In the end Blaine was still going to hate him. No matter how much he sugarcoated it, no matter how much information he withheld, it wasn't going to hide the fact that he went too far. He sighed as he sat in his car in the driveway of Blaine's house. How was he going to explain this? There were no words that could make this better. Nothing he could say could make it any less selfish of him. He sighed as he leaned against the car seat. Swallowing all of his inhibitions, he walked toward the front door, ringing the doorbell. A woman answered. It was no doubt Blaine's mother.<p>

"Hi," he took a deep breath, thinking of who he was going to pretend to be. Blaine had no doubt told his parents the whole story of who had thrown the drink at him. The last thing he needed was for the cops to escort him from Blaine's house to finally put him in jail. The New Directions were too scared, the Andersons were not. If there were ever people he knew he should be afraid of, it was the Andersons. "I was wondering if Blaine was doing any better."

He took a deep breath as he watched her look at him, as if inspecting who he was. When she noticed the blazer she finally spoke, thinking he was one of Blaine's friends. "Who are you?" She was still inspecting him as if she was trying to identify him. Thank God they had never met before.

"I'm Nick, we used to go to school together," he hoped that she didn't remember what Nick looked like.

She let him into the house, his heart slowing as he walked through the door, looking around the house. He watched as Mrs. Anderson moved back to the kitchen, not even caring to see what he was up to, not even telling him where Blaine's bedroom was, assuming he had already been up there. Moving to the stairs he walked toward Blaine's room. This was going to be the worst moment of his life. This was going to be where he had to look Blaine in the eyes (well… _eye_) and tell him why he did what he did. As he finally made it to his bedroom, he gulped nervously, closing eyes as he tried to compose himself. This was it. This was the last time he was ever going to be able to talk to Blaine ever again.

As he walked into the room, he saw Blaine lying on the bed, face-up, staring at the ceiling. He looked so peaceful, yet scared at the same time. But no matter how he wanted to see anything in Blaine, any evidence as to which way this meeting was going to go, all he saw was the eye patch over his right eye. The scene at the parking garage played over and over again in his head, the screams coming to his ears as his stomach bubbled, his skin crawling—why the hell did it end up this way?

"Hey?" Sebastian's voice was quiet as he leaned against the doorframe. "What's up, gorgeous?"

Blaine turned to look at him, a small, but genuine smile on his face. "You came…"

He walked forward as Blaine sat up, moving over patting the bed gently. "I had to find the strength to come. I didn't want to, but what here I am," he moved toward the bed, sitting down, watching as Blaine kept smiling at him. "Does it hurt? Your eye, that is. No one's been talking to me about it… no one's been talking to me in general… for _obvious reasons_."

Blaine shrugged his shoulders, not wanting to go into much detail of what happened between them. "It's a little sore… but it's getting better. I have surgery in a few days and I'm kind of scared about it."

"It'll be fine, you don't need to be scared," Sebastian hated that this was turning into small talk. His heart was still racing, his throat dry as he waited for this to get violent, get to the point where every dream, every hope that he had of redemption was going to be torn to shreds. "I…" he swallowed hard, his throat burning. "I'm sorry… by the way… about your eye…"

Blaine took a deep breath. "Is it true… did you really put rock salt in there?"

He knew he could just tell him that it was part of a prank that got way out of hand. He could just tell him that he aimed it at Kurt, not wanting to hurt him, but humiliate him. After so long, he got so sick of how Kurt thought he was so much better than him. Every day, Kurt had been inadvertently bragging that he had something that Sebastian was never going to have: he had Blaine. He should have just told Blaine everything. The words were right there on his lips, but he couldn't say them, only shaking his head as he looked past Blaine, closing his eyes tightly. He took another deep breath, before opening his eyes, swallowing before he was finally able to formulate words.

"Yeah, it's true…" he couldn't look him in the eye as he sighed, looking down at the mattress. "I put rock salt in it…"

Blaine could tell that Sebastian was hurting. How could he not? But the question was: did he care? Did he care that Sebastian had become a wreck? That he was unable to sleep without the sounds of screams? No, he didn't know. How could he know? Sebastian was good at one thing: hiding his emotions. Emotions complicated everything. If you got too attached to anything, opened up to anyone, you were going to get hurt in the end. Blaine would never know how he felt about this whole situation. All he saw was the monster. He couldn't see the hate that was deep inside of him. He couldn't see that Sebastian was crying, dying, hoping that this was all going to go away.

"Why?" Blaine's voice was low, desperate.

If Sebastian could just swallow his damn pride, he would have stopped getting in trouble ages ago. "Because I could… and I knew I would get away with it."

Those words made Blaine angry, not pissed, but irritated enough for it to show. "Do you understand what you did? You could have hurt someone… worse than you did. My cornea is scratched and if you hit Kurt…" he shook his head as he trailed off, most likely thinking about Kurt. "This isn't like you… you've _never_ acted like this…"

"And you think you know me?" Sebastian looked at him, his voice low, lifeless. Secretly he wanted Blaine to hate him. He wanted Blaine to feel something toward him so that this wouldn't hurt as much. He wanted him to lash out and him and tear him drown. He wanted him to drag him to Hell. He needed him to destroy who he was.

"Yeah, I think I do…" Blaine shook his head as he leaned into the pillows. "What the New Directions have been saying about you—it's so confusing. I don't understand who you are right now. When I first met you, yeah you were aggressive. You were a little too friendly in a creepy _Swimfan _way, but I adapted to that because I was interested in you. You seemed so free, so independent, I liked that about you. I envied that about you. I wanted to be like that. But this," he closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, most likely still trying to take in the situation. "Physical violence—I didn't think that's who you were."

Sebastian looked into Blaine's eye: he didn't see the hatred he wanted to see. He saw desperation. Blaine was looking for an apology for a reason why Sebastian did this. He couldn't answer him. He couldn't tell him the reason. In all honesty he didn't know what he was thinking, he didn't know what was running through his mind as thought this plan up. Looking at Blaine he knew that no matter what he couldn't fix this. He couldn't take it back. This was how life was going to be from now on. There was no longer anything between the two of them except for a long list of "could have, would have, should have's" and broken hopes and dreams. This was where it was all going to end: right here and now.

"Half the time I don't know who I am either," Sebastian chuckled emptily as he watched Blaine look at the wall inhaling sharply. "But now you know that I'm not above physical violence."

"Santana said something about a tape…" Sebastian's heart raced as he heard those words. "Apparently it had evidence that you did this. Do you still have it?"

He rolled his eyes as he thought of Santana Lopez: that treacherous snake. She had his balls right in her hand, he was as good as hers. She had all of the power on that tape, but then she handed it to Kurt. She destroyed her power as Kurt, selfishly not thinking of his boyfriend's feelings, had tossed the tape that could have made the case to the very person who had wronged him all because "Regionals wouldn't be as interesting." That tape had everything on it. That tape was the one thing in existence that could give all of the power back to Blaine.

"There _was_ a tape, but I destroyed it. It's gone," he watched as Blaine furrowed his brow, shaking his head as if scolding him. "Kurt gave it to me. I panicked. I couldn't go to juvie. I couldn't get expelled. I would never be able to face my father ever again if that tape came out. That tape would have ruined me," he closed his eyes as he heard Blaine scoff. "So I put it somewhere no one would ever find it."

Blaine seemed hell-bent on that tape. "Where?"

"I burned it," Sebastian watched as Blaine crossed his arms to his chest. "Then I downed the ashes with a glass of red wine, but that was days ago. All traces of it are long gone by now," he felt a shiver roll through his body as he asked a single question. "Why, did you want to press charges?"

"You scratched my cornea!" Blaine's explosive temper was coming to light, his voice increasing in volume. "Do you think that's nothing? Do you think this is a game? This is real! This is my life!"

Sebastian's throat was dry as he felt the tears come to his eyes. "I never meant to hurt you…"

"You still did," the ex-Warbler leaned deeper into the pillows.

Sebastian felt a cocktail of emotions that had been harvesting inside of him for days, ever since he threw the slushie in Blaine's face, ever since that horrible day in the parking garage. The first tear fell from his eye and fell onto his hand which was resting against the mattress, the act coupled with a gasp from Blaine. The second tear was a lot more cataclysmic as he let out a single sob. He didn't cry like this in front of anyone. He never let anyone see how human he was. Blaine was different. Blaine was the only person who made him feel like he was worth anything, the only person who didn't throw him away like he was disposable. He had destroyed that bond, but his humanity was still there was he let more tears fall.

"Sebastian…" Blaine moved to caress his hand. "Are you crying?"

He couldn't control himself as he looked at Blaine into the eye that was left unharmed by him, hoping to find hatred in it. There still was none. Blaine couldn't hate him. No matter what he did, no matter how much he wanted him to, Blaine still couldn't hate him. He closed his eyes as he ran his free hand through his hair taking a deep breath before looking at Blaine.

"Tell me one thing: did you call me here to get evidence to press charges?" Sebastian looked at Blaine through foggy vision, his eyesight clouded with the first tears that he had conjured up during this whole fiasco. "Or what? What else did you want? An apology?"

Blaine closed his eyes taking a deep breath. "I don't know, Sebastian."

"Don't know?" Sebastian tightened his hand on Blaine's. "If the roles were reversed… I-I think I would have pressed charges by now. Hell, I would have had you arrested less than twenty-four hours after the event. So tell me…" he choked on his words as he held on tighter to Blaine's hand. "Tell me why you haven't pressed charges. No doubt your boyfriend and his ragtag band of misfits have been telling you to."

Blaine opened his mouth to speak, struggling on the words before he finally was able to finally formulate them. "Because I don't believe that you meant to do this. I can't forgive you, but in some sick way… I want to. I want to forgive you because I know that this isn't who you are. This can't be who you are…"

Sebastian felt more tears fall down his cheeks as he moved closer to Blaine, feeling arms wrap around him tightly around him as he buried his face in his pajama top. He got lost in his scent, in the sound of his heart beating. This was Blaine. This was the one person who he thought could make all of the pain and all of the anger go away. This was the only person who continuously saw the little amount of good there was in him, yet the person that he had hurt the most. They didn't say anything else. It felt like an eternity had gone by before Sebastian finally left. All he could do was cry against Blaine, feeling hands run up and down his back telling him that he wanted this to be okay. Blaine wanted this to be okay. He wanted everything to just go away and they could keep living their lives the way they used to. Sebastian knew they would never return to that reality, and for that he hated himself. He truly hated himself.

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><p>This chapter was also very short. They will eventually get longer and longer as time goes by. This is also the start of a different take on the situation than <em>Glee<em> did, since I firmly believe that _Glee _did this plotline a great injustice by keeping it in the background, only mentioned during two episodes.

The next chapter, Blaine confronts Kurt about giving the tape away, while the Andersons try to get justice for what happened to their son.

Feel free to visit me on Tumblr, on this account I will tell when I'm posting new chapters, stories, and other progress (if you're curious). The address is on my profile, feel free to visit if you have any curiosity as to my posting schedule.

Feel free to leave feedback and look out for the next chapter soon (I know I said that last time, but I will try to get a more consistent posting schedule for this story).


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